Warped Tour for Old People

    I remember hearing about the Warped Tour when I was younger. It seemed so great. A shit load of bands in one day and a ton of meet and greets. Bands like The Offspring, Green Day, Blink 182 and other 1990s-esque acts were performing in those early years. I was young, so inevitably I was excited. I didn't get my chance to go until the 12th installment in the summer of '06. Every Time I Die was the breadwinner, and NOFX, along with a harrowing performance by Against Me! That was before Against Me! decided to go indie rock with "New Wave" and just ruin all the fun.

    But what are we really talking about? Warped Tour 2007 of course. It started off with a "eh, if I have the money I might attend." It was in Cincinnati this year. I wasn't too privy on driving on 71 South for an hour and a half, but word of Alkaline Trio joining the set list made that decision a tiny bit easier. I decided to go. Jeni and I got our shifts covered at work and made plans to meet up and carpool with a three new friends from other music related acquaintances. They had already been put on the "Press Kit" ticket list, meaning they had free reign on the entire tour including all backstage areas. What I didn't know was that I was about to embark on a day I will never forget. Our plan was to show up at Riverbend and try to score free tickets from guys who had no need for them. I came up with this idea from last year. I saw guys just handing out tickets right at the front gate. They were not scalping them, just giving them away. I had already bought a ticket so I felt retarded for wasting my money.

    This year was different. As soon as we arrived at the parking lot, the sign said "Warped Tour 2007" and in smaller letters read "SOLD OUT". Fuck. I was a bit nervous. Not because Jeni and I were going to miss Warped Tour, but because we were undoubtedly going to have to wait for seven hours in the shittiest city in the world for our friends while they enjoyed the music from the side of every stage. And we were not scalping tickets. Fuck those gorillas on the side of the road that have absolutely no idea what they are selling. They are ruining music as we all once knew it.

    But something happened...The girl who we were with decided to just try to score extra tickets when she signed in to receive her press bracelet. She told the girl at the tent that there were five in her party, and we would all need bracelets. Jesus Christ, Son of God it worked and we were handed our bracelets and whisked away into the midst of the tour.

    This is the point where you think you get to read my review on the warped tour. Nope. I have something better: I have what you would call a slight obsession with Alkaline Trio. I have their logo tattooed on my forearm, I have seen them live 6 or 7 times. I know all the songs, all the words, blah blah blah. My dying wish was to meet their singer Matt Skiba. I could only assume that this was as good of a chance as any.

    To be honest, Trio's set was less than admirable. Skiba came out with his collar popped, and some movie style sunglasses. He looked like he jumped the shark. I have never wanted to bite someone’s face as much as I did staring at him for those few seconds. And, not bite his face like all cutsey; I wanted to take a bite of his cheek so I could let him know what a fucking idiot he looked like up there. Regardless, it was Alkaline Trio and I stayed for the rest of their set.

    They played all of their popular songs from "Crimson" and one song from
"Goddamnit", which enraged me. I get it though, they need to get themselves out to a broader audience, and its warped tour so they pick the popular ones. Either way, fuck it. I love this band. I just keep going back like a battered housewife.

    Anyway, I had a feeling that these guys would immediately run back to their tour vans after the set, so what did we do? We used our press passes to get back there and waited until we saw them. First to show was Dan Andriano. I pointed at my tattoo, said I was a huge fan and that I wanted to shake his hand. He shook my hand and walked away. No thank yous, no "howyadoin", nothing. I was a little pissed, to say the least. After what seemed like five minutes (ha-ha) Matt Skiba came around the corner and I just about shit my pants. I did the usual, showed my tattoo, and said I was a big fan...yada, yada. He stopped. Asked me my name, asked me where I was from. Told me thanks. Jeni got to say hi.

    He acted like he was genuinely interested in us. He shook my hand, and said his goodbyes. He was really fucking nice. And I was star struck. I didn't get a picture and I couldn't care less. A day, for sure, I will never forget.

    In regards to Warped Tour: If you are older than 15, don't go. That is unless you can get a press bracelet and your favorite band is playing. Any other reason, you will just go home broke, sunburned, with a nagging intuition that you caught a contagious skin disease from an underage sweaty emo kid. I just feel too old for this shit.

Stefan Davis